For the longest time, I’ve been one to pack my schedule with as many activities and plans as possible. At some point, I lost sight of what and why I was doing these things. I once thought relaxation was meant for the weak. In 24 hours, I would try to accomplish 48 hours worth of work. It all caught up to me one day, when I was getting a massage during graduate school and all I thought about was what I was going to do after the massage and what needed to be accomplished after this “short break” from the madness. Needless to say, I didn’t enjoy or let myself enjoy my "relaxation" time.
My mind is a very powerful thing, but when it’s on the move, I can’t stop it. This behavior led to further mental breakdowns and physical breakdowns, as well. I was increasingly getting more anxious and wasn’t able to sleep many nights. Furthermore, I put on so much pressure to perform that during one of my exams I had a panic attack. It was probably one of the scariest things to happen to me, because the room got warmer, my vision began to blur, my breathing rate increased and I felt as if everyone could hear me breath. My hands began to tremor. My world got very small and very isolated at that moment. I didn’t finish the exam, because I couldn’t.
Looking back now, I knew that my mind was made up: if I didn’t take that break now, I would lose my mind forever. I marched myself up to my academic advisor broke down in tears and told her I just couldn’t do it. For the first time in my life I saw the limitations of my mind and body. I forfeited 15K dollars of tuition to finally take my break. I spent the rest of that semester volunteering and helping low income and underprivileged youth. I enjoyed spending time with my friends; I laughed more and breathed more.
In the end, it was worth it. It truly has made all the difference in my life. I came back to graduate school and finished (with less stress of course) on the Dean’s list multiple times. I enjoyed life more and absorbed more. I just became more present. Now I know there are some of you out there that deal with this on a day to day basis, but practice putting yourself first. Be mindful as in my book, Mindful Movement, (get your free copy here). Be present, because once your mind goes, so will your body. And you might not have the insight to just take a break. But do it, because that dark horizon could be very near and you may not see it.
Enjoy the air and keep breathing,
Justin